http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q5sxMyNDeyM&feature=PlayList&p=D4AC540173501A1B&playnext_from=PL&playnext=1&index=48 (link would not allow me to embed so you may have to cut & paste to hear the song)
I learn a lot about myself when I go home and visit my family. This time it has spilled over and for once I have incredible insights into the cycles I have created for myself and how they were born.
Once again it relates to my family system. Mainly my mother who has seemed to quite subtly create an inferno inside of me. Not my absent father who left me with feelings of abandonment and hurt. My mother.
The above song used to be a favorite. I listened to it over and over again. It once reminded me of my x and now as I listen, it seems very needy and insecure. I suppose that is what I am because this is what I was taught to believe. I am not proclaiming that to invoke sympathy. I am finally realizing that projecting my feelings of emptiness onto those I am in relationships with is unfair. I am finally realizing that even though I grew up in a family with lots of people around to fill up my time I was actually quite empty and separated from them.
For the past several years, a previous conversation with a therapist has played over and over in my head. I thought how true it was that since I wasn't a planned pregnancy I may never feel the pure love and support I always craved from my mother. During my last trip home, this was once again brought to my attention.
Example of this interaction:
Me: mom, do you have tylenol?
Mom: no but I have Exedrin
Me: mom, you know I cannot take Exedrin
Mom: since when? you can take Exedrin
Me: mom, I am in Texas
Me: I needed a break to think about my relationship and I am visiting an old friend
Mom: when you get back you should talk to your doctor about possibly getting on medication
These may be mild examples but as I read into them I see the hidden messages that were underlying such as, her not listening to me or validating the things I have told her. I become quite comatose when I take aspirin and have not taken it in years. The next message was that I am not okay to make my own decisions. If I went to Texas on a whim, perhaps I have a mental illness and need the crutch of a drug.
Why do I share this? I share this in case this resonates with you. For many years my pride has made me untouchable. I have separated myself from those that have families with "real" problems and have even set myself up to help them. I share because it's human. I share because I don't want to be scared and ashamed of my past anymore. I share because I want others to know they are not alone. I share because I want to heal.
I will write more about this later as I continue to process. It helps me to write things out and it helps more to know that someone out there is, by reading, (perhaps even silently) somehow acknowledging, even validating how it feels to not ever be good enough.
"You cannot run from demons, they know just where you are" ~Catherine Feeny
Everything will be okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end.
at 3:18 PM