My "Dear John" letter...

Dear John,

I miss you. 

I was devastated when I heard the news.  An accident?  It couldn't be true.  You didn't get a chance to say goodbye to anyone.   There were still so many things I didn't get to say.  I hadn't had a chance to say goodbye.  I wasn't able to apologize.  

When we started working together we quickly became very close both having the goal in mind of giving to others.  I remember after work you drove the truck to pick up food for the free food clinic and after that we would both drive around looking for homeless people and their camps in order to give them food.  You always had food.  Everyone at BHD new where to come if their clients were hungry and even if you had to make special trips to get it, you always supplied what you could.  

I remember how pissed off you were that the empty motel beside our office building stayed abandoned for so long and how you used to get tears in your eyes when you explained your idea of buying it and sheltering so many displaced people that had to go hungry and weather the elements.  Your compassion was at times to a fault.

We didn't talk much after you moved.  I felt like I needed to protect you.  I knew you loved me and wanted me to be there but my life wasn't on the same path as yours.  It was painful but something I felt was right at the time.  I am sorry I was cold and abrasive.  You wanted to share sunrises and I wanted to push you away. 

When you died I realized a lot of things.  I realized that being abrasive isn't always the right way to go about things.  I realized it's okay to show my feelings and grieve in front of others.  As a matter of fact, I had to make myself not run away from the pain of loss.  Because of your death I learned what is needed to process grief.  I learned better ways to treat someone who lost a loved one.  I learned to listen.

Then the signs started.  A few days after your death I was chatting on Second Life with one of Angela's friends.  She said her birthday was March 15.  I looked the date up in my books and thought it was interesting.  The next day I was making copies at school and the girl that walked up behind me starting talking about astrology and told me her birthday was March 15.  I have heard when should pay attention when things happen in threes.  The next night I was talking to Nandy about birthday's and asked if her she knew your birthday.  We looked it up on your obituary.  March 15.  You were still trying to reach me.  

I understood a lot more about you after I read more about your gentle water sign.  I realized how damaging my harsh fiery words had been.  That's the night when you visited me in my dream.

You walked up to me and leaned your forehead against mine.  Our eyes met and we stared.  We didn't say anything but I knew you were giving me the opportunity to apologize.  You forgave me.  You lifted your head and started to walk around the corner.  Before you disappeared you looked at me with those crystal eyes that told me everything was okay now, always was and always will be.  The next few days you appeared to me in several ways and I wasn't able to grieve since your presence kept the wounds open.  I knew you were still near.  I asked you to stop and you did. 

Thank you.  Now when I listen to All Good Things by Nelly Furtado I close my eyes and I can see you whistling your favorite part.  I can hear you coming around the corner to your desk.  I see you on your motorcycle on the open road with the sun setting in your eyes.

You always knew all good things come to an end...

I love you. 


  1. An awesome tribute to a very special man...RIP John. I am blessed to have met you.